Today is one of those days ; unapologetically melancholic and dragging. Ironically, there are no dark nimbus clouds or tree swaying wind to compliment this unwelcome mood. It’s one of those days when I can’t bring myself to put a label on my feelings. Not only are they ephemeral but too sombre for me to bring myself to relieve the past few minutes for my heart rejoices the moment they sublime. The moment they become the past. It means I can focus my energy on getting through the following moments.
Usually, sleep in my go to solace after movies and books have failed to cheer me up, respectively. Sleep eluded me today, as if to say I’m done being your emotional crutch! Finding a good, enthralling movie or TV show has become a never ending struggle lately. I have to spend hours combing through synopses. It’s almost physically painful – the constant disappointment. I am always gambling which is interesting since I condemn gambling as a habit yet here I am unknowingly or rather knowingly partaking and appreciating the dopamine surge when I land the right movie. One that’s well written yet keeps you at the edge of your seat the whole time. Surely this cannot be a tall order?
I used to want to pull my hair out and wail silently in frustration when I could not decipher my emotions but I came to learn to be gentle with myself and accept that sometimes it’s okay not to know what you’re feeling. Sometimes you cannot know until you’re done feeling and you never realize when you’re done and that’s okay. It always comes to you when your ready to process – information.
Today I am asking myself about what I need and want – is it warm coffee, a well written book? Is it a hug? A chat with my mother? Brother? Best friend? Boyfriend? Or is it this long coveted job? Is it money? It fascinates me how you can live with oneself for so long yet falter when it comes to ones needs and wants.
Yvonne N. Nyatundo 