My day’s looking up

Nothing beats the sight of a brand new diary and the day’s blank page at 3a.m. To say it makes me giddy is an understatement.

The realization that I can make every hour count and the day memorable leaves me flushed. I’ve always adored paintings much as I’m not a skilled painter myself. I imagine the painter staring at their blank canvas and having their thoughts transform into reality by each stroke of the paint brush. Stroke by stroke they give life to what once existed only in their thoughts. It’s amazing, isn’t it?

A friend once told me that everything you see was once only a thought in someone’s mind. The house you are in, your phone, your shoes, your cup of coffee, your favorite bag. The list is endless.

Our thoughts are powerful and that’s why I’m all smiles this morning and I sure I’m going to make today count.

Make yours count too.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1 go! ~Mel Robbins.

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Of silent hospital hallways


The pin drop silence in a hospital hallway makes your mind wander. A number of strangers,  seated in deafening silence,  some typing away on their phones furiously with questioning gazes at whoever dares to have a peek at their screen. Some staring into space,  lost,  maybe praying for a miracle. Some perhaps debating on whether to wait out the queue or just  come back later. The later that never comes.  It is a scary experience,  this one. 

The person on your left could be fighting off the urge to scream in pain and you’ll never know. They could be seconds away from passing out cold and you’d never be able to tell. Some, could be worried sick, hoping that the doctor’s assessment won’t be as life changing as they fear it will be. Praying for a happy ending is what we do behind our screens and behind the slight fidgeting of our feet. 

Indeed, hospital hallways have heard more prayers than the walls of a church.

No, it does make you a woman

Bleeding four or days a month has absolutely nothing to do with being termed a fully grown woman or a woman for that matter.

Menstruating has, for long, been used as the pillar in defining womanhood. I beg to disagree. A young girl of 12 years begins her menstruation today(thanks to genetics and the foods we consume) and we call her a woman? In what aspect is she a woman? Menstruating means she can get pregnant, yes. But has it come to that? Reducing womanhood to the ability to conceive and bring life into this world?

My bleeding is not enough to enable you brand me a woman.

What could a 12 year old possibly know about being a woman? Close to nothing, I presume. If you told her she is a woman I am certain that she’d look up at you with big, round, cute, innocent eyes and blink in confusion because she cannot comprehend your insinuation. She knows not the first thing about making decisions, being assertive, thinking as a rational human being, leave alone as a woman.

A woman is the embodiment of strength. She is expected to be a career woman and be a mother. To be dominant at the workplace but submissive in the household. To be stern but kind. To shoulder other people’s troubles and still stay strong in her own. To be strong physically but not so strong that the men in her life feel insecure. To raise a bunch of children and still maintain her performance in the workplace. A woman can choose not to cry now because she needs to be assertive. She can choose what to do, say she gets pregnant and the partner forsakes her. A woman can raise a child. A woman can create a schedule that fits her and make it work. A woman can choose to be a career woman or a housewife. A woman can make her own decisions.

Can a 12 year old do these things?

Can she decipher that daddy was just angry, not at her, when he unintentionally raised his voice at her? No. She will cower in fear and confusion.

A woman is a person who is able to make sound decisions, stand by them, tell right from wrong, be a functional social being and a responsible member of society, one who can exist on her own.

So please, enough with telling girls they are women the moment they start having cramps. Its because of this thinking that some rapists think it justifiable to dehumanize a girl and rob her of her innocence.

Lets know what we mean by what we say and no, talk is not cheap.

Talk is powerful.

Of feminism and bitter women

Lately, feminism has become synonymous with man-hating. When people think about feminism, they think about bitter women. Nevertheless, can you blame this notion? Most women out here claiming to be feminists have no clue as to what feminism is all about and what it means to be a feminism. Basically, any woman feeling hurt or stepped on will lash out and claim feminism to her aid. It has become a against every man movement. Which is a complete distortion of the original meaning of the word. I like Chimamanda Ngozi’s we should all be feminists book where she addresses the unequality issue in Nigeria giving examples of daily happenings in Nigeria. Merriam webster’s definition of feminism is the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities. Its all about equality. Some careers that used to be deemed male jobs can now be done by women too unopposed. Feminism is not about shaming men for basically being men. If a man cheats on his woman then he is not validating the feminism movement so women will come together to breathe fire and brimstones on that man. God help such a man for hell hath no fury like a scathed woman. They will cry, mock, joke and do everything to make this man hate himself. But again, not to defend this man but a man’s philandering ways do not make him misogynistic. It only makes him human. It saddens me that somewhere along the way we lost the bigger picture of why feminism is here. Its not here to give fuel our victim mentality. No. Its here to empower us and enable us do things that only men could before there came about the feminism movement. To create awareness that your sex should not be an hindrance to the heights you can scale. This goes to the men and women alike. Feminism is not here to separate and create wars led by bitter women to whom life has been difficult. Lets face it, everyone of us has problems. Yours are not the only problems. I understand, women can have it rough but sometimes its not because you’re a woman. It could be because you created these problems for yourself or they are consequences to your actions and you’re quick to blame them on your male counterparts. They are as human as you are. Remember that. And never forget that feminism is about equality and we are not looking to wipe out and trample on men to make it. We can make it together. Be careful not to fight oppression with oppression. We will be fighting a losing war if we cannot reclaim feminism to the former glory it held and stop hiding behind the word.

The men who point fingers at women

My facebook news feed has never been a bore. If its not Game of Thrones memes, medical students humor (themeddybear) then its Josephine Onyango. Hehe. She will make you laugh- if you share her views, make you lash out- if you have no thick skin and make you cry if you’re the sensitive type. So, this morning on my rare prowls on facebook, I was met with a post by, of course, Josephine and it really piqued more than my interest that I had to let you read it too.

At age 0, my biological father denied my mother’s pregnancy.

Also at 15 I took my dad to the DO because he refused to pay for my school fees. He wanted me to be a tailor. I was a girl. That’s what girls do.

At 17 I took my uncle to the DC because he stole my dead dad’s pension which would pay for our school fees. He is my father’s brother. We were girls.

At 18 my uncle said I will never finish school because I will get pregnant. No use educating me. I am a girl.He is my mother’s brother.

When I got C+ my uncle said sarcastically that he thought I was going to make it to university. He is my father’s cousin.

At 22 a male cousin tried to sell me to fuck a dude for money.

At 23 I took my baby daddy to court because he didn’t want to support his daughter.

At 24 my grandfather refused to pay my college fees with my own mother’s money.

At 30, I met my biological father for the first time, he took me to a bar.

At 35 today, I don’t have a home to go to because I am a girl. And because I am grown. I don’t have to like people who clearly don’t like me and I am supposed to find a home for myself somewhere 😂

Yet you want to sit and tell me not all men are bad if the ones supposed to protect me never gave a fuck about me. Been fighting all my life. I will not hide the sins committed against me!

What happened to you because you are a girl? Share.”

Wow, right?

This really got me thinking. Is there some truth in her experience? Absolutely! Its the men closest to us that end up causing more harm than good. It the relatives that rape our young girls. According the the Wangukanja Foundation survey of March 2016, nearly one in three Kenyan girls experience sexual violence before the age of 18. It is the harsh reality we exist in and what’s even more disturbing is that rape is rarely reported in Kenya due to stigma and a lack of faith in the police and the criminal justice system.

Sexual violence aside, what of emotional violence? This is the worst. The victim is made to believe that she is nothing and unworthy of love and what’s worse, some believe their perpetrators and grow with a self loathing no number of showers can wash off.

And you still wonder why the girl child empowerment is on the rise? Women have grown to know nothing but fight for their survival. We shout to be heard otherwise we our voices will barely be whispers.

Then there is the pimping of young women just because they possess a vagina and what better way will a woman rise than sleep her way to the top? Courtesy of our female socialites, our girls are growing up believing what they see on the media and how big butts are the in thing and how you ought to have a shade lighter of skin to be a real beauty, how there is power in possessing pussy. Is there though? Oscar wilde said, everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.

And if you read into why he said that you will realize that he had a point or maybe he didn’t. He was a social critic anyway.

So, is there some form of power of the pussy that if wielded correctly will make a woman formidable?

I think not.

As for the baby daddies willing to make babies but run when they cry will forever be a mistery to me. This is why the male contraceptive should be developed SOON. These same men are out here looking to marry single women, not single mothers. The same women they made mothers are ostracized and accused of foul morals and that they should keep their legs closed by women and men alike. The same baby daddies who shy from supporting their babies or buying some rubber before asking the woman to go pop some magic pills.

As for the women who get pregnant to trap the man, we see you! Yours is a tale for another dawn.

Lastly, as a man, where do you fall?

Are you the chauvinistic, domineering one who believes that women, starting from the ones in your life, have no capability to amount to something? Or the one that defends and protects them from the men out to shame them?

Mob psychology or dependence?

Will You Marry Me?

Have you watched the Being Mary Jane series? No? Perfect. Mary Jane kept me glued to my laptop for days on end and I just could not stop clicking next.

Mary Jane has been around for a while now and I got interested when amidst banter with some lady friends of mine, they suggested that I watch it. In my head I always thought it was a high school drama series till I started watching it.

Being Mary Jane is a series shedding light on the woes of a successful, single black woman. The breadwinner to her family and above all a friend, a sister and a fantastic news anchor.

Her story is profound. Mary Jane sets out on being the best professionally and she has her house, attires, killer heels and expensive bottles of whiskey to show for it.

She works ten times harder than all the poeple in her life to make a life for herself and she does. Until she decides her biological clock is running of time. She dates Andre(have you watched Power series? Yes, that sexy beast, Ghost) for a while, even falls in love with him and just when she thinks God’s given her the sign that he’s the one(after a drunk night he confesses to being in love with her. Talk of music to her ears!)she steps on his wedding ring. LITERALLY. It hurts like a mother and she does what any sane person would do.

Kicks his cheating ass out.

Apparently, Andre forgot he had a wife and kids the whole time. Hahaha. Men!

But just like any sane person, they kiss and make up(more like they fuck at the gym after the fight) and well, she’s an addict. She needs her fix. Andre is her fix. So its all pull and push until Andre files for a divorce and moves in with Mary Jane(bad move).

Mary Jane finds her bliss. Right under her own roof.

Only her bliss is a hobo and isn’t planning on actually marrying her.

It culminates like every love story. Hurt.

Andre moves back in with his wife and she forgives him. It takes strength and then some to be a wife!

Mary Jane had stolen his long time boyfriend’s sperm; David( after which he confronted her) and she almost uses it but smart outweighs crazy and she doesn’t.

David and Mary Jane had started dating way back and she had gotten pregnant and chose to abort because she did not want to ruin her life and become another black woman statistic. So she opts for cryopreservation(freezing her eggs) on national television which leaves her vulnerable after she’s told her eggs are no longer viable and with her age, 40, there’s not much they can do.

This is why she feels cheated when David gets married to another woman because she is carrying his child because that should have been their baby.

She beats herself up for not having it all and what she had done wrong and for a while tequila is her best friend.

Can she have it all?

If you had to choose, would you choose a succesful career or a full, noisy, happy household? Can you have both?

Because, remember, you can have anything in the world but you cannot have it all.

I am a home

Our backs tell stories no books have the spine to carry ~ Rupi Kaur

In her book, Milk and Honey she talks about pain, healing, joy and loving again. She speaks to the broken, hurt, unloved and raped women and to all of us. She tries to drive home the point that you can love again. Just like Nelson Mandela said, people must learn to hate and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love. Which is a beautiful quote if you ask me.

Rupi, through her soul shattering precise poems and in her TED talk communicates that you can learn to love yourself too even after hating the body you are in and viewing it as a cage in which you are trapped forever.

This next poem from her book speaks volumes to me;

The greatest thing a woman should learn is that since day one she’s already had everything she needs within herself. Its the world that convinced her that she did not.

You know how everyone feels entitled to directing the life of a woman even though half of them have no idea on how to be a woman? I hear statements like these everyday: you shouldn’t walk like that. No, you shouldn’t laugh like that, its not lady like. No, work on your twang’ men will listen more to you. You shouldn’t consider a law degree, no man wants to marry a lawyer. It goes on and on and as a woman you have to choose your battles because you know you best.

And about people deeming the sole purpose of a woman to be to get married i’ll talk about in another post.

Enough of the spoilers. You can get Rupi Kaur’s book here (its in epub format) and her TED talk here.