My Longcall Abortion

Here I was, lying in bed, thinking. What was I thinking about you ask? My unborn child.

It had been 11 weeks since my heart stopped beating after seeing those 2 lines streaked on the pregnancy test kit. To say I had been overwhelmed would be an understatement. The wave of emotions I felt in that minute that felt infinite must not have a term coined for them yet. It’s indescribable.

Pregnancy scares are so common that at some point methinks we deem it a positive pregnancy test near impossible. Yet here I was. 22, clueless on motherhood and pregnant. I did not have the luxury of supportive parents in fact, they chastened me when I opened up to me and straight up decided to leave me on my own. My so-called partner was in the wind.

Life has a wicked sense of humor indeed.

Like any other young pregnant female I had contemplated an abortion more than once. The days when the mornings were unbearable and the loneliness crushing. When school seemed like the least of my worries – I was going to be responsible for a human being for God’s sake! Lectures drifted through with me in a daze and in my mind a bleak future awaited for me. I had not the first clue on how I was going to raise this baby when it finally arrived but I chose my misery to be my consolation at that moment and it worked.

I remember waking up that morning groggy and pressed. I strolled to the ladies half awake. I had been constipated lately. Like everyone else, I tried to take upto 8 glasses a day but no, my bowels had a different story they wanted to tell. As I squat and hoped the constipation was gone, I felt a sudden lightness in my abdomen and something gushing out of me that didn’t feel like poop. I looked down instantly and almost fainted at what I saw. It was a fetus. My fetus. My baby. So tiny and gory. Had I just had a spontaneous abortion during a long call?! In that moment my constipation was the least of my worries. I rushed out of the loo the only thing on my mind being the hospital.

“Yours is a classic case of cervical incompetence,” the doctor said after all the investigations had been done.

“cervical what now?” I stuttered.

Cervical incompetence.

“What you need is a cervical cerclage operation in your subsequent pregnancies to avoid losing your pregnancy again,” he added.

When I heard surgery, my head began spinning. Was I going to die?

No need to worry. It’s a minor surgery and it will be over before you know it.” he said confidently which make my heart beat less faster.

Part of me felt relived having lost the impending responsibility but part of me wondered why what came natural to most women wasn’t so for me.

Was my body broken? Is what kept on ringing in my mind as I left the hospital. Was I ready to go back to the life before what I’d known the past 2 months? There was only one way to find out.

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Do you fight in your relationship?

Do you think some people only feel truly alive in the presence of conflict? Both internal and external. Do some people thrive on it? I have these, what you would call a power couple, neighbors who at first glance resemble any ordinary couple you’d see going around and about their business. They’re cohabiting and the lady is a stay-at-home girlfriend or wife. Didn’t the court rule the other day that come-we-stay is proof of marriage?

Not to digress, it’s a war zone in my area of residence. Every morning and evening. As soon as the guy gets home in the evening, not more than 5minutes later and its shouting and yelling and utensils being thrown around and physical abuse. It’s a pity these walls are not soundproof because they sure are not bashed to air their dirty linen in public. What baffles me is, what is it that two people could fight about yesterday, today, tomorrow and the day after tomorrow that is incapable of being resolved that they have to reiterate the argument daily? Its disturbing to hear people verbally fighting and even physically and you’re not in a position to interfere also its toxic to the children around. How does this affect children exposed to violence in their own homes or in their areas of residence growing up? I read an article by Troy Onyango a while and the protagonist had grown up watching the father physically abuse his mother and in his adult life, after marrying, he made a habit of beating the daylight out of his wife every dusk. He would come home, drunk or not, and start hurling insults and throwing blows at the wife. In his mind, he only knew to express love with violence. To him, love did not exist where violence didn’t. Sad, right? Disturbing too.

What baffles me is why would two adults consent to live together disharmoniously? This is how people die! It starts with verbal abuse, then a slap here and here, next it’s punches being thrown and next thing you now, someone slips into unconsciousness never to come to again.

Domestic violence is a real issue amongst us and we need to find ways to address this issue to reduce the mortality rate in both parties involved. This mortality rate is increased by both physical and psychological factors. You should see the guy walking around, he’s usually agitated for no apparent reason and rude. Stress is one of the risk factors for several conditions. High blood pressure being one of them.

Some of the peaceful ways to resolve conflict are:

  1. Calmly talk about it and in case you cannot calmly talk about it at that moment, excuse yourself and resume the conversation when your temper is out of control.
  2. It’s not a competition. Going into an argument with the mentality that you want to win will destroy the relationship. Its about meeting halfway, not winning the argument.
  3. Know your trigger points and avoid them. If you know that your partner is the type to use your words against you especially out of context in an argument, avoid exchanging words with them as this might escalate your temper and end in a disastrous way. Also, try to tell them beforehand that you do not like it so they can curb it or even better stop entirely.
  4. Don’t be afraid to involve a third party when things sprawl out of control.

Lastly, a caveat for those women who ignore the tell-tale signs of a violent lover, better to be safe than sorry. Below are some of the warning signs also, suggestions of how to tackle this issue will be highly appreciated and acted upon.

If you’d like to share you story please text me 0727946060 or email me at ybritty@gmail.com. It can be done anonymously. Don’t be ashamed of your story, it will inspire others.

The men who point fingers at women

My facebook news feed has never been a bore. If its not Game of Thrones memes, medical students humor (themeddybear) then its Josephine Onyango. Hehe. She will make you laugh- if you share her views, make you lash out- if you have no thick skin and make you cry if you’re the sensitive type. So, this morning on my rare prowls on facebook, I was met with a post by, of course, Josephine and it really piqued more than my interest that I had to let you read it too.

At age 0, my biological father denied my mother’s pregnancy.

Also at 15 I took my dad to the DO because he refused to pay for my school fees. He wanted me to be a tailor. I was a girl. That’s what girls do.

At 17 I took my uncle to the DC because he stole my dead dad’s pension which would pay for our school fees. He is my father’s brother. We were girls.

At 18 my uncle said I will never finish school because I will get pregnant. No use educating me. I am a girl.He is my mother’s brother.

When I got C+ my uncle said sarcastically that he thought I was going to make it to university. He is my father’s cousin.

At 22 a male cousin tried to sell me to fuck a dude for money.

At 23 I took my baby daddy to court because he didn’t want to support his daughter.

At 24 my grandfather refused to pay my college fees with my own mother’s money.

At 30, I met my biological father for the first time, he took me to a bar.

At 35 today, I don’t have a home to go to because I am a girl. And because I am grown. I don’t have to like people who clearly don’t like me and I am supposed to find a home for myself somewhere 😂

Yet you want to sit and tell me not all men are bad if the ones supposed to protect me never gave a fuck about me. Been fighting all my life. I will not hide the sins committed against me!

What happened to you because you are a girl? Share.”

Wow, right?

This really got me thinking. Is there some truth in her experience? Absolutely! Its the men closest to us that end up causing more harm than good. It the relatives that rape our young girls. According the the Wangukanja Foundation survey of March 2016, nearly one in three Kenyan girls experience sexual violence before the age of 18. It is the harsh reality we exist in and what’s even more disturbing is that rape is rarely reported in Kenya due to stigma and a lack of faith in the police and the criminal justice system.

Sexual violence aside, what of emotional violence? This is the worst. The victim is made to believe that she is nothing and unworthy of love and what’s worse, some believe their perpetrators and grow with a self loathing no number of showers can wash off.

And you still wonder why the girl child empowerment is on the rise? Women have grown to know nothing but fight for their survival. We shout to be heard otherwise we our voices will barely be whispers.

Then there is the pimping of young women just because they possess a vagina and what better way will a woman rise than sleep her way to the top? Courtesy of our female socialites, our girls are growing up believing what they see on the media and how big butts are the in thing and how you ought to have a shade lighter of skin to be a real beauty, how there is power in possessing pussy. Is there though? Oscar wilde said, everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.

And if you read into why he said that you will realize that he had a point or maybe he didn’t. He was a social critic anyway.

So, is there some form of power of the pussy that if wielded correctly will make a woman formidable?

I think not.

As for the baby daddies willing to make babies but run when they cry will forever be a mistery to me. This is why the male contraceptive should be developed SOON. These same men are out here looking to marry single women, not single mothers. The same women they made mothers are ostracized and accused of foul morals and that they should keep their legs closed by women and men alike. The same baby daddies who shy from supporting their babies or buying some rubber before asking the woman to go pop some magic pills.

As for the women who get pregnant to trap the man, we see you! Yours is a tale for another dawn.

Lastly, as a man, where do you fall?

Are you the chauvinistic, domineering one who believes that women, starting from the ones in your life, have no capability to amount to something? Or the one that defends and protects them from the men out to shame them?

Mob psychology or dependence?

Will You Marry Me?

Have you watched the Being Mary Jane series? No? Perfect. Mary Jane kept me glued to my laptop for days on end and I just could not stop clicking next.

Mary Jane has been around for a while now and I got interested when amidst banter with some lady friends of mine, they suggested that I watch it. In my head I always thought it was a high school drama series till I started watching it.

Being Mary Jane is a series shedding light on the woes of a successful, single black woman. The breadwinner to her family and above all a friend, a sister and a fantastic news anchor.

Her story is profound. Mary Jane sets out on being the best professionally and she has her house, attires, killer heels and expensive bottles of whiskey to show for it.

She works ten times harder than all the poeple in her life to make a life for herself and she does. Until she decides her biological clock is running of time. She dates Andre(have you watched Power series? Yes, that sexy beast, Ghost) for a while, even falls in love with him and just when she thinks God’s given her the sign that he’s the one(after a drunk night he confesses to being in love with her. Talk of music to her ears!)she steps on his wedding ring. LITERALLY. It hurts like a mother and she does what any sane person would do.

Kicks his cheating ass out.

Apparently, Andre forgot he had a wife and kids the whole time. Hahaha. Men!

But just like any sane person, they kiss and make up(more like they fuck at the gym after the fight) and well, she’s an addict. She needs her fix. Andre is her fix. So its all pull and push until Andre files for a divorce and moves in with Mary Jane(bad move).

Mary Jane finds her bliss. Right under her own roof.

Only her bliss is a hobo and isn’t planning on actually marrying her.

It culminates like every love story. Hurt.

Andre moves back in with his wife and she forgives him. It takes strength and then some to be a wife!

Mary Jane had stolen his long time boyfriend’s sperm; David( after which he confronted her) and she almost uses it but smart outweighs crazy and she doesn’t.

David and Mary Jane had started dating way back and she had gotten pregnant and chose to abort because she did not want to ruin her life and become another black woman statistic. So she opts for cryopreservation(freezing her eggs) on national television which leaves her vulnerable after she’s told her eggs are no longer viable and with her age, 40, there’s not much they can do.

This is why she feels cheated when David gets married to another woman because she is carrying his child because that should have been their baby.

She beats herself up for not having it all and what she had done wrong and for a while tequila is her best friend.

Can she have it all?

If you had to choose, would you choose a succesful career or a full, noisy, happy household? Can you have both?

Because, remember, you can have anything in the world but you cannot have it all.